Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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