I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
