I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
