Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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