just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
