What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
