there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
