we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We are two peas in an std pod
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
