I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
