Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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