New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
