Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
