your parents love me but you hate me
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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