I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
