PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
