why didn't you poke me back
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
