I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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