dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
