My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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