She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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