just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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