i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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