mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
