There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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