Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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