I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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