So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Maybe he injected his testicle?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
