I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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