I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
