i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
