i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
