You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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