And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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