9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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