i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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