I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
