It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
