After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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