dude i'm inner monologue high
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Randomize
