Quick, to the slutcave!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
