matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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