Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Randomize
