cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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