Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
