I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
they're like a gay fantastic four
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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