Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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