im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
