with your own penis?
I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Randomize
