Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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