You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
