were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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