fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
